How many do overs are you allowed?

Yep..starting over...AGAIN! Sooner or later I will catch on and stay on this way of life. I'm hoping this is it. I'll be 39 in a few days....hate even saying that number, but I would like to be thinner and happier by the time I hit the big 4-0 next year. So I'm giving myself a year to get there. I would like to be there a lot sooner but I'm allowing myself a year to get there. This is going to be a no fail attempt. I have to do this. I want to do this. I want to wear sundresses next Summer. I want to feel good in my swimsuit and not worry that other people are looking at me and judging me. I hate always worrying about what other people think. I know I look awful. I know I'm fat. I know I'm disgusting. I don't need someone else looking at me and thinking it. I already think that way. I hate myself. I hate what I've let myself become. I hate me. And I know people say these things because I'm one of those people. I use to say those things about other heavy people. It's funny, ok well no it's not, about how thin people look at overweight people and the things they say. I never thought I'd be overweight. But here I am. 20 years later after having my first child and I have not lost anything. Ok well I did. I lost 30 lbs the first time I did WW and then I quit. Put it all back on and then some. I think I'm 5 lbs heavier than I was when I first joined WW 3 years ago. It's time to stop berating myself and do something about it. I keep saying I'm going to do it. I list all the things I need to do or want to do and instead of following them I ignore them. No more. It's time to move on and get on with what I want to do. I'll find support somewhere somehow. I can do this! I will do this!